The Whole Story of Johanna Mason: There's no one left I love!
by charlie947
Summary: It's the story of JM, from before her Hunger Games to the future (what happens after book 3). This includes CF and MJ told in her POV. OCs, awesome twists with known characters. It's post-Mockingjay POV, so ya' know - SPOILERS. I suck at summaries so please just R&R...
1. Lost

**The Whole Story of Johanna Mason: **_**"There's no one left I love."**_

_A/N: Ok, so Johanna is probably my fav supportive character and so here': this is my version of her story. There will be OC-s (duuh!) Also 13+ (at least) for violence, foul language etc. Oh, and last but not least – excuse me if I have any grammar or other type of mistakes – I try really hard, but English is my second language._

_**- Chapter One –**_

_**- Lost -**_

I sit in Dr. Graham's office, tapping my foot nervously. I can't bear his intense gaze under his rectangular glasses – it feels like it's baring my soul, so I look at everything else but him. Damn, if he'd just _blink_, already!''

"So what you really won't talk to me, then?" He asks. With his dark skin, warm-hearted brown eyes and tall well-build posture for a man of around-fifty, Haden Graham reminds me of Beetee, and Beetee is one of the last people I want to think about right now.

"What are you doing? Are you just waiting for the time to pass, so you can go back to 7?" He asks again.

I scoff. "Yeah, right, 'cause going back there was _such_ a great idea in the first place! I do _love_ the house the Capital made me live in, so they can watch me and threaten me at their convince. Plus, there's no one there for me and there are no more goddamn Games. There's nothing in 7 that I care about."

"So what are you doing then?" He asks, scribbling something on his clipboard. Freakin' clipboard! I do wish I knew what he was writing. "It's a free country now, you know. You can do whatever you like"

"I don't know." I shrug. I think about the possibilities, but they are not many. "Katniss and I became kind of friends, but she needs her own space to grieve her sister and definitely doesn't need one more broken thing in her life right now. Plus, I'll just be the third wheel between the star-crossed lovers and that'll just be awkward.

"There's definitely nothing for me at 13 – they are too stiff for my taste. The only person I know from 3 – alive anyway, probably hates me, 4..." I pause. Annie was in 4 - sweet, crazy Annie, carrying Finnick's child. I felt tears coming up to my eyes.

"What's in _4_, Johanna?" Graham asks. He has this inhuman ability to tell when someone's lying or keeping something from him. Or maybe that was just being a therapist. In any case – I hated him for that.

"Nothing," I lie, swallowing back my tears. Graham lowers his eyebrows at me.

"It's Annie," I say finally with a sigh.

"So, tell me about Annie."

"What do you want to know? She is younger than me, she won the Games a few years back, went crazy, married my best friend last year and now she's carrying his child. That is my best friend that died, FYI."

"And you want to go and help her?"

"No," I shake my head. "Too much pain. It'll all remind me of Finnick. Plus, she lives in _4_. That's the district with the fucking ocean. I'll die before I step in there." I shudder at the thought.

"Right," he nods, but he doesn't look happy. "You want to know what I think?"

"Not particularly," I shrug, unconcerned.

"Well, too bad – I'll tell you, anyway. First of all, I think what you described isn't sad, while - it's rather happy. You can't fix Finnick's death. But if Annie is carrying his child – then his legacy will live on. Their love will live on.

"Also, I don't think anyone is going to throw you in the ocean if you go to 4. You have excluded yourself from the world, Johanna. You keep making excuses not to live your life: _7 isn't good enough, Katniss doesn't need you, 4 is too sad._.. Why don't you tell me the truth, instead? What is really bothering you?"

"Oh, what do _you_ know about life and sadness?!" I stand up, bursting out in screams and angry tears and kick one of the cushions on the floor. "You've spent your life here at the Capitol all fed and safe and warm! You never had to fear the Games, they were all just _amusement_ for you, you probably bet on your lives too... you-you never had to fear _anything_ until the revolution.

"_I_ keep making excuses for myself? You want the _truth_? Well, here's your truth: _I_ should've died instead of Finnick. He had a family. I have _nothing_! How is it _**fair**_ that he died and I wasn't even allowed to fight? How is it _fair_ that Snow died before I could chop off his head myself? How is it fair that I get to live, when people much more deserving don't? Tell me how is _that_ fair?" I can't compose myself, and I collapse on the big comfy arm-chair, a huge mess, balling my eyes out angry at the world and angry at myself.

"Johanna," Graham reaches out to me, but I push him off, hitting him, quite violently and scream at him:

"Leave me alone! I don't _care_ for you and you _stupid_ therapy!"

"I am _not_ your enemy, Johanna." He says calmly in his authoritative voice. "You said it yourself – you get to live. So what are you going to do then? Are you going to waste your life?"

"I feel like I am wasting it here," I say a little calmer.

Graham sighs. "This therapy is designed to help you work through some of your issues. It was a gift for you, from our President. Everyone from the Victors has received one. And I think you can get a lot from yours, if you would just stop protesting it."

"Well, I talk to Katniss all the time, and I know for a _fact_, she isn't exactly full-on therapy-junkie, either."

"Maybe, but I am not Katniss's doctor, I am yours. And Katniss has something to hold on to – she has Peeta. Annie has her child, Beetee and Enobaria have their work and..."

"...and Haymitch has his drinking." I finish the sentence for him, much more composed now.

"Do you want to end up like Haymitch?" He is serious.

"Well, I gotta say, it sound less miserable that _this_." I answer with a dark smile.

"Really?! You want to spend every minute of the day on the verge between reality, fantasy and memory, surrounded by your own vomit? Tell me again, which part of all that appeals to you?"

"The part that says you don't live in the reality. 'Cause let me tell you – my reality sucks!"

"Why?" Such a simple question it was, but enough to send me over the edge.

"_Why_?! You want to know why?! I don't have anyone! My best friend died, my other best friend left me, I don't have anywhere to go, and all I want is a revenge that I can't have and that won't bring me back anything I've lost. All I have now is you and I _hate_ you. Also, I am not even sure I can _trust_ you."

"Why not?" He asks, continuing to scribble.

"Why not?" I am taken off-guard. "What kind of question is _that_?! You work for the goddamn Capitol!"

"I _worked_, for the 'goddamn Capitol' – past tense. There is no Capitol right now, remember? Or at least not in the sense it used to. And even back then I didn't agree with _everything_ the Capitol did. We are not all monsters, you know. But that's not what I want to talk about right now."

"Then what do you want to talk about?" I ask.

"The fact that you don't trust anyone; the fact that you feel you _can't_. When did that start, Johanna?"

"Oh, well, I suppose it started at the beginning." I smile a crooked-smile.

"When you were reaped for the Games?"

"No. Before that."

"Tell me about it."

"I am not getting away am I?" I smile crookedly again, already knowing the answer.

"Do you want to fix your life?"

"I guess my only other option will be suicide. And I lived through too much of a hell to kill myself now." I shrug.

"Then talk to me about it."

"Fine," I sigh.

_To Be Continued..._

_P.S. This was the introductory part, but it turned out longer than I thought, so I decided to have it as its own chapter. Don't despair – the cool stuff are just coming' up._


	2. Birthday

_**- Chapter Two -**_

_**- Birthday -**_

_A/N: Ok, so since from now on the story will be mostly narration in the narration, I am only starting with quotations, and I'll close them when the therapist intrudes the story - that's why it's in past tense. Also - check out my awesome OCs._

"I guess it all started on my 12th birthday.

We don't usually celebrate birthdays back in 7. Well, we didn't _used_ to. Anyway, birthdays meant you are either one year closer to be entered in the reaping, or you have your name in, more times than you did last year. And when you turn 19, well... than you are generally considered too old for birthdays – a lot of nineteen year-olds tend to start families themselves.

The 12th birthday however is always the worst. Not only you don't get a celebration, but everyone is so _down_, you might as well be already dead.

I woke up on my 12th birthday, fully aware that I was now – for the first year - going to be entered in the Games. Yet, I wasn't as depressed, as I thought I would be, probably because that day was also the first day I'll start working part-time with my family, like most kids in 7.

My parents and my older brother, Cole were lumberjacks at the most dangerous place of all - the Hill. It was a steep peak on the edge of the forest that surrounds 7 and a lot of people had fallen to their deaths from up there. Still – I was a little excited, to see what the fuss was about.

When I got downstairs I tried not to smile too much so my family wouldn't have thought I was crazy. My parents were wearing black and whispering to each other in hushed voices. '_Figures_!' I thought to myself. Cole, and Reni (my younger sister) were there too (thankfully not in black), but they just kept silent.

"Hey, Joey," Reni smiled at me. She was the only cheery one, and I loved her for that.

"Hey, cutie," I smiled back.

Reni, who was only nine-years-old looked a lot like me – long black hair (though mine was longer), big brown eyes and pale skin. The main differences were her snub little nose and the forehead – mine was taller. She was a bit cuter too, but at twelve – I was pretty cute _myself_. Reni was also tall for her age, which was not surprising - everyone in my family was tall. I am the only one who was 5'2 at the time, and I knew I wasn't going to grow up much more – maybe an inch or so.

Cole, who was fifteen, was 5'9 and also had dark hair and eyes, but his hair was spiky and his features were sharper than ours – he looked more like dad. He had some muscles built from constant hard-work – he had left school two years ago, so he could work with our parents, full time.

"Here, honey" mom subtly put a little more egg in my plate and gave me a slightly bigger slice of grain bread. It was her '_Happy-Birthday-sorry-you-may die-in-the-Arena!' _gesture. Dad just kept silent, eyeing me suspiciously from time to time, as if I was going to spontaneously catch on fire.

I wanted to protest, but I knew it was their way – they did the same thing for Cole, when he turned twelve; so I just frowned, and when they turned their back, I swiftly pushed over part of my food to Reni, who was looking at it hungrily.

"So, honey, you should be at The Hill at 12.30," my mom said, placing the dirty dishes into the sink. "Do you know which bus to take?"

Seven is one of the largest districts (maybe third-largest) and is mostly woods, which are quite dangerous, so we use buses a lot - to get to school, to get to work, to get to the center with the trading market... most places couldn't be reached simply on foot – or they could, but it would take too long.

"Yes, mom," I sighed. "Plus, I'll be travelling with Leo."

She pursed her lips – mom wasn't very fond of my best friend, as she believed him to be a "dangerous influence". Leo was too free-spirited, too in-the moment, too-fearless too-rebellious for her to like him - all the things _I_ loved about him.

She knew though I'd be friends with whoever I damn-well wished, not to mention all those qualities made him one of the best lead-climbers in the district - and my family needed his help quite a few times, that's how we met, actually.

Cole and our parents sent off Reni and me to the bus stop. They waited for her to get on, waved at me sorrowfully and then they were off.

I reached out to climb on the bus, but someone pulled me aside.

"Wha...?" I started, but I knew who it was, immediately. "Leo! What are you doing?"

Leo was scrawny but with muscle-builds, mostly in his limbs. He was tall, and broad-shouldered, all-in-all similar build to most boys his age – similar to Cole. His skin was a lovely olive shade and he had dark eyes and short-ish chestnut hair, all messy around his ears. He was also much different than most of the kids in 7 – there was something about him, a spark – he always had a playful smile and a mischievous look in his eyes. Every moment spent with him is a one more moment you risk something.

"No school for you today," he smiled his wicked smile. "We're celebrating."

"_What_?" I was confused. "Leo, what are you talking about, I need to get to school" I pulled back, but he didn't let go, still grinning. He was much stronger than me, so of course he was winning.

"You – I am talking about you. You are older, today and it is cause for celebration. Every minute you are closer to death. You must make each one count! Ten years from now – what will you remember, doing some boring stuff at school, or hanging out with me?"

"Well..." I paused.

"Come on, Jo! What will school teach you today that will be so immensely important to your life? I on the other hand..."

"But... they'll notice us missing." I mused, though I was probably wrong – the classes in 7 were too big for the teacher to care about two meager students

"No, they won't. And even if they do, we'll just tell them we were sick."

"Right, 'cause that'll totally work," I tilted my head at him.

"I'll deal with it!" He promised, looking dead serious. "_Come on_, Jo! The two of us, the woods, three hours until work-time... I need my best friend on this... _adventure_." He looked at me, with a spark in his eyes, stressing the last word. He knew he had me convinced - I _loved_ adventures, especially if they included Leo.

"Well, I _am_ a bit older..." I contemplated.

Leo didn't need another conformation – he took my hand and we ran for the woods, before anyone noticed us.

The woods in 7 were never off-bounds to anyone, as that's where a lot of the jobs were, but hiding there was usually hard. Leo however, knew all secret paths and places.

When we reached a small clearing, he looked around cautiously, dropped the backpack that hung on his shoulder, unzipped it and took out a carton box.

"Look, I brought you a gift." He grinned and opened the box.

"A cake?!" I whispered in awe and looked around myself. "Leo where did you get it?" I asked in a hushed voice as close to him, as I can.

"Cake shop," he shrugs with a smile.

"Did you _steal_ it? You _know_ what the penalty for theft is!"

"Only if they catch me, and they won't. Relax, Jo, it's only a half and it's a bit stale - the owners were about to throw it away, I just snuck it, before they could. They didn't even notice it gone."

"Well, weren't they going to eat it?" I asked.

They weren't allowed to eat the cakes. Things like that cost a lot of money and no one in 7 (besides our three Victors) can afford them. The truth however, was that messed up things (weather cakes or other) were either given to the poorest as gifts, sold for money (to the Peacekeepers, or anyone that could afford them) or used from the people who made them in a first place.

"They already ate half of it." Leo guffawed. "Come on, Jo, it's really good."

"Have you tasted it yet?"

"I just licked the icing. Go on, you have to - it's your birthday. You may get reaped in the Games this year, and if you do you'll be sorry you didn't eat the cake."

"I only have my name in, once." I frowned.

"I was just joking, you big _grumpy_" he nudged me in the ribs playfully. I don't laugh of his reference to Artie – 7's oldest Victor, pushing 50. He was big, and fierce and people called him big ol' grumpy, because he's always frowning and dead-serious. He's also a drunk.

"I am not worried." My friend continues. "Are you worried?"

"Give me the darn cake!" I commanded him.

"Oh '_darn'_ you are such a potty mouth." He laughed at me, in his you-are-ridiculous- way.

Leo took out his secret pocket knife, cut the piece in three, than broke one part into two and gave one of _those_ pieces to me. He was right of course – it _was_ good. I tasted chocolate, cream and biscuits and some fruity stuff. The only time I'd tried something similar (though definitely better) in my life was at the Celebration Dinner from that the Capitol sent to 7, five years bacl, when Blight won the Hunger Games.

Leo didn't like the cream, so he brushed it off with his finger, and when I turned my head away from him – smeared it on my face, laughing.

"Oh, hell no!" I got angry and took some cream myself, but he had already jumped from his spot on the ground. I was smaller and prompter than him, so I quickly caught on and jumped on him from the back. This caused him to fall down laughing and after some struggling I managed to smear my cream on his cheeks and hands. Leo wrestled me, so after a few minutes I was beneath him and he started tickling me.

"Oh... No... Stop!" I couldn't catch my breath, from laughing too hard.

"Look what you did - now I am all creamy!" He laughed too, but didn't stop tickling me.

Leo might have tortured me much longer, if we didn't hear the low growl, immediately recognizing it as a bear. It must've been enticed here by the sweet smell of the cake that was now all over us. Within in second, Leo quickly stopped, stood up, ran to the box, closing it and put it back in his backpack within seconds. Then he ran back to me (I had straightened myself from the ground), took my hand again and commanded, "_Run_!"

I already knew where we were going – to another clearing with a small lake, Leo's most favorite place in the woods. He shared it with me one year ago, just a few months after we met.

We reached it swiftly enough and hurried to wash our hands and faces. Once the sweet smell was gone, we could finally take a breath. We exchanged a glance and suddenly burst out laughing –this day was already unforgettable adventure.

We sat down at the edge of the lake. I knew if it was summer we'd start playing with the water – sprinkling, splashing, even swimming (he'd been teaching me how). But it was the end of February and the weather was too cold. There's rarely any snow at 7, but the winters are still chilly.

"You should bring part of the cake to Reni and Cole, I'm sure they'd like it." Leo said finally.

"They would," I nodded. "But they'd ask me where I got it from."

"Then just tell them I got it."

"I guess I could." I shrugged nonchalantly. "And you'll take the rest to Beatriz?"

"Yes. She probably doesn't even remember Blight's Celebration Dinner – she was only three."

I don't answer, just poke about the dirt around the lake with the edge of my shoe. I think about the Victors of the Games. 7 has three – Artie, Deidre – a scary muscular, but kind of good-looking woman who won 12 years ago, just around the time I was born and then there was Blight – from 5 years ago, who breezed through the Games, and only had to kill two people.

The last Victory Tour really stuck with me probably because that summer I might be one of the people who would've died at the hands of someone similar. Even now I can see every detail, as clearly as if they were broadcasting it right in front of me.

I haven't stopped thinking about it, how it edgy and irate it made me feel – The Victor was a Career, a beautiful blonde guy from district 1 – Gloss, who most found charming, but I immediately hated his sparkling smile and slicked hair. He looked perfect, but in an artificial way, almost like the Capitol fake-outs.

I did remember his sister Cashmere, who won the previous year - they looked a lot alike: beautiful, blonde and fake like dolls.

The kids that died last year from my district were a thirteen-year-old boy, just and a seventeen-year-old girl - both never truly stood a chance and died in the bloodbath in front of the Cornucopia on the first day. I didn't know them myself, but I mourned with the rest of the district, knowing that next year I might be one of them. Or worse – it may be Cole or Leo...

"Did you take tesserae this year?" I suddenly change the subject.

He is taken aback, "No, not this year. We are doing okey, for now."

Of course they were - Leo's parents were carpenters, living in the town center, and Leo himself - a lead climber. Surely, they are doing fine.

"So you only have your name in 3 times," I murmured, looking ahead. "That's good... Cole got tesserae for us."

Leo just looked at me, despite that I didn't return his gaze, "You know, they think I am small, or weak, or whatever, so they won't say anything, but I _know_. Cole can't get tesserae for all of us, we are too many people. He'll have his name in, twenty four times and I _know_ we won't be able to make ends meet without him – just my parents working, won't be enough."

"You don't know that – you are starting to work now, it'll get better.

"Leo, look at me – I am _tiny _– my nine-year-old sister is almost as tall as _I_ am! I am obviously not going to make a great lumberjack!"

"But you don't know if Cole's going to get reaped."

"I don't, yes, but 24 times, is too much of a chance to take! Next year it'll be 30 and the year after that... "

"So what are you saying?" He asked, even though he already knew the answer.

"_I_ should be the one getting tesserae." I said, still not looking him in the eyes. I already felt the tears building up and was afraid that if I saw Leo's expression I might start crying and never stop. "My number will be much smaller and then, if I _do_ get reaped - my family can still make-do without me."

"Oh, Jo," he pressed me awkwardly against his chest like a bigger brother and the tears start gushing from my eyes. "Cole will never let you ask for tesserae instead of him. You are his little sister." He said when he finally let me go.

"I know, but I have to at least talk to him – try to make him understand it's the logical decision."

"Doesn't matter how _logical_ it is," Leo laughed darkly. "_You are his little sister._ He'd do anything to protect you. Do you think I'd ever let Bea do that instead of me?"

I knew he was right. "Then I'll go behind his back." I snapped with my fingers, with a smile. "Dayton is the one who holds the list with the people applying for tesserae and I know for a fact that he likes me a lot. I can make him change Cole's name for mine."

"He does like you," Leo frowned although I didn't know why – Dayton was a Capitol Peacemaker, who thought I was cute, but in a child-like way, as he himself is over seven years older than me. "And that's why he _won't_ do it – he may promise to, but he won't. He would much rather sacrifice Cole to the Hunger Games than you. And even if he does do it, than _I_ won't."

"So you would much rather sacrifice Cole to the Hunger Games than me, too?" I am suddenly very angry at my best friend. "Even if it means that the rest of us may not survive without him?"

"You'll survive," Leo kicked a pebble into the forest and rested his chin on his knees. "I'll bring you food every day, if I have to."

"You didn't answer my question!" I snapped at him.

"I am selfish ok?" He looked at me, and for the first time since I've known him, I saw tears creeping at the edges of his eyes. "I care for you too much. I can't – I _won't_ lose you. If you hate me for that - so be it, but _yes_, I'd give up Cole's life a thousand times before I give up yours. I'll give up my own, too. I would, Jo, I really fucking' would." Then he got up and ran through the forest, leaving me alone to my thoughts.

_P.S. This chapter was supposed to be shorter, and end differently, but I hope you don't mind. Please, review, follow, favorite, I think the fiction is enjoyable and I hope you agree. Next installment - coming soon._


	3. First Reaping

_**- Chapter 3 -**_

_**- First Reaping -**_

Leo didn't leave me with much time to 12 o'clock – which was around the time I had to take the bus for The Hill and the way back (walking), was long, so I started to slowly advance through the forest, back to the town.

I wondered if my plan to get tesserae instead of Cole was really as noble as I believed it to be, or it was quite selfish as Leo implied. I mean, I knew for sure that as I was – there was no way in hell I could win the Games. History supported that – in all 63 years of the Games, there were only 3 Victors at the age of 12. And none of them really had a happy ending – all got addicted to different substances later in life and one killed himself.

'Thinking about it in prospective, dying in the Games might have been the better option for the tributes, but not for their loved ones. One would survive for himself – yes, because we are all still kids and our lives are in front of us - and for his loved ones. Because, then not only they'll still have them, but everyone will have the riches from the Victory and they would be taken care of. Not to mention that the whole district benefits from a Victor.

But weighing the pros and cons: yes, Victory would ensue your family was fed and clothed but it wouldn't protect them from entering the Games themselves. It wouldn't protect your own children – actually, it was likely that they _would_ enter the Games as many times Victors' children were sent into the Arena. It also would cost you much – you'd always be haunted by nightmares, because everyone does stuff in the Hunger Games, that they wouldn't otherwise – even the Careers.

I for instance, could certainly imagine killing someone in the Arena, if it was be my best chance to get back to home, to my loved ones. But if someone right now handed me a knife and told me "Stab that kid," I wouldn't. Well, unless said kid really annoyed me – but even then, I'll try at least to miss the vital organs so he'll live.'

Lost in thoughts, I reached the town, and the bus stop. Leo was nowhere to be seen, so I just sit there waiting, fiddling with pebbles on the ground, once in a while I'd check for him every few minutes, but I didn't manage to find him – not just by looking around anyway, he was very good at hiding.

I reached The Hill at lunchtime. I was a bit sad, but no one noticed, since I was _supposed_ to be a little down on my birthday. Cole gave me an axe. It was a too big and heavy for me, but he said it was the only spare one they had and not to worry because soon I'd be getting my own. The crew I was working with consisted of my parents, Cole, another newly wedded couple in their early 20s – both muscular and competent) and Weiss, a boy who'd just turned 19 and was no longer in danger of the Hunger Games. Sometimes we were helped by Lead Climbers such as Leo.

I didn't start cutting at threes right away – Cole used the whole time I was there to explain how to hold the axe, so I would be most comfortable, how to posture myself, how to handle it, without hurting myself – it isn't as easy as it sounds, and by the time I was to go home – I was sweaty and sore.

I spent two weeks just mastering the basics a couple more practicing by splitting smaller branches and such and only after a full month I was given permission to cut away at the threes themselves. Every one immediately figured out that wasn't for me however (as I was too small and would never be strong enough), so instead they used me to climb up and trim off the tops and limbs of the threes, which I turned out to be pretty good at. It used to be the other woman's job, as she was best-built for it, but now, she joined my mom and Cole at clearing the roads. As the time passed I got stronger, more trained and I even started to build up some muscle mass, like Leo – mostly in my limbs.

This is how I spent my time in the next months – a few hours at school, some at work, writing my homework and studying my lessons, doing my duties at home – washing the dishes, cleaning the house every now and then, and in my free time I'd hang out with Cole, play a game with Reni for her benefit, or spend time alone with my thoughts or reading. I usually read about the Hunger Games, as I couldn't watch them, because we had little electricity that needed to be saved. I read about the Arenas, the strategies, the previous Victors – everything I could find in our home or from neighbors and schoolmates.

I followed through with my plan as well – I skipped talking to Cole and went straight to Dayton. I acted all cutesy and begged and cried and he promised, he'd put my name in, instead of Cole's.

Leo refused to talk to me after my birthday, in the forest – not that I really wanted to face him after what he told me, but it hurt how he pretended that I didn't exist. Worst of all, was though not the pretense itself – sometimes at school or at work I'd catch him throwing a sad glance in my direction, but the moment I'd turn to meet his eyes or say 'hello', he'll go back to being with his friends and pretending I wasn't there. I hadn't given up on our friendship, though. And I knew I could make it up to him once the Reaping was over. Either I won't be chosen an he'll see that my plan was smart and will forgive me, or I will and he'll _have_ to forgive me.

That's how the coming months to the reaping went by – slow, uneventful, with me getting a bit stronger and certain in myself every day and dead silence between me and my best friend.

Before I knew it was July and it was time for the Reaping. I woke up with a heavy feeling and a lump in my throat. My mom had already laid out my clothes for me and there was hot water to clean up with.

I washed myself thoroughly from the sweat, dust and dirt from the past few days of hard work, including my hair, and then put on the dress my mom had made for me – it was simple, white and baby blue, reaching almost up to my knees and it had a small belt to clip on my waist.

I finished putting my cute white ballet flats that were only bought so I, and one day Reni - could go to our reaping with them and my mom walked through the door. She was cleaned-up also beautiful in her old black dress and some minimal make up as no one worked the day of the reaping – the families attended, though somewhat far from the main square, where the kids that qualified for the Games were.

"Oh!" she gasped when she saw me, her eyes tearing up. I didn't know if it was from sadness that I may get reaped or from happiness and amazement at how 'grown up' I was and how pretty I must have looked – at least in her eyes.

"Honey, you look beautiful!" She said, with hands on her mouth. "Come on let me fix your hair." She made me sit on the bed, towel-drying my hair and brushing it, than divided it in two sides. Then she fixed my bangs, brushing them off my face and stroking my cheek and she started sobbing.

"Mom, don't cry, you'll freak out Reni," I said, but I needed to swallow back my own tears, because the truth was, she was freaking _me_ out – she didn't know what I did with the tesserae, so I'd minimized the chance for Cole to get reaped.

"Oh, I am sorry, honey, I am so sorry, you are just so pretty and you should see your brother... oh! Good, that's good, I won't do more to your hair, and you have beautiful natural waves."

Once she was done I looked at myself in the mirror – I did look pretty, the dress falling in a manner to underline how tiny I was, but still showing off the small muscles I built from work, and my hair – falling in big waves down my shoulders, bangs on my forehead. I look cute like very young girl and maybe even I look a bit older than I usually do – maybe a year or two. "Let's go."

She grabbed my hand and led me downstairs, where there's the biggest meal we'd see all year unless we actually get reaped. It is meat and eggs and grain bread with fresh forest fruits juice – it was past eleven so it was brunch.

And of course she's right; Cole did look lovely, even better than last year. Like me, he was all cleaned up, his hair is slicked back and he's wearing a clean, though a bit faded light blue shirt of dad's tucked in dark pants. The expression on his face, however, like every year, was grim. I didn't like to see him like that. I wanted to hug him and tell him that he won't get reaped, but I couldn't force myself.

"Joey, you look _so_ pretty!" Reni jumped around me – she was wearing a white dress herself. "I want to look as pretty as you on my own reaping."

I smiled at her innocence – sometimes, I thought she didn't truly understand some things – like why would I be pretty on a day that may as well set the last few weeks of my life. But then I'd remember how much I underestimated her.

"If you are pretty enough, they like you more and you get gifts." Reni continued. "Cashmere got a lot of gifts."

I laughed then – my little sister, young, but very wise.

Cole and I were encouraged to 'eat up', because we needed the carbs, and when brunch ended, we all headed down to the Main Square, next to the Justice Building.

We sign in for presence, and Mom, dad and Reni were held back along the perimeter, while Peacemakers escorted Cole and me to the marked with ropes areas. I was farthest away, since I was the youngest. I exchanged nods with the girls in my group and looked ahead to the boys' side on my left for Leo.

I found him with my eyes, and this time he _did_ look at me mouthed "Good luck!" I did too – none of that other stuff mattered then and I knew if either of us got reaped, the other would be on the other side of the Justice Building waiting for a last hug-goodbye, and we'd forgive each other for everything.

I guess, on reaping days everyone was feeling closer – well almost everyone. There's always that bunch of unpleasant folks placing bets on who will get chosen – ages, merchant, poor, strong, week, will they cry, or panic, or go-full-on-crazy and start biting the Peacemakers (for instance), like one girl did a couple years back.

There were five chairs on the podium: three for the previous Victors, two of which are now mentors in the Games - Deidre and Blight, one for Katri Lockhart – 7's Capitol escort – and one for mayor Runyon Perthshire.

Katri was always smiling (I wondered how her mouth didn't hurt, but then again, maybe the Capitol gave her something to make never stop smiling), and wearing flashy Capitol clothes – this year it was a tight pleated ivory dress, with her back almost entirely bare (A-shaped) and a huge white pleated lace at one side. Her hair was blue, which suited her blue tattoos starting at her right temple, and ending on her neck. She isn't ugly and I don't honestly believe she's a monster, I just think she's a little dim, shallow and mostly – Capitol-made.

Then there is the mayor – tall, dark man, fierce with his bulging muscles from years working as a lumberjack. He had sharp features, dark eyes falling back below his forehead, and hair that was slowly turnip white. He had two children in the reaping, a boy and a girl, both older than me.

When the clock strikes two the mayor stands up to the microphone and gives the standard speech – story of Panem, and how when it was formed with the Capitol ringed by 13 districts and how it was all peachy, but then The Dark Days came with the districts' uprising against the Capitol. 13 was demolished, the rest – defeated and new laws were given to guarantee the piece, one of these included as yearly reminder of that the Dark Days must never be repeated – the Hunger Games.

Well, this was all peachy, but none part if that answered the one question I had everytime I heard all this – if it was so great back when Panem was first established, why did the districts rebel in a first place?

And other than making sure the Hunger Games were extremely cruel (it's not just that kids die, but it's _how_ they die), the Capitol adds disgrace for the districts by making us treat the Games as a joyful sporting event, pinning the districts against one another, like in the past countries had been pinned against each other in the Olympic Games. Except no one died there and it was all-in-all pretty harmless.

Mayor Perthshire reads a list of past Victors – in 64 years, 7 has had six victors, only half of whom – alive.

After he's all done, Katri stands up to do the reaping – she straightens out her dress a bit and in her affected Capitol accent says:

"Happy Hunger Games! And may the odds be _ever_ in your favor." The she congratulates us, and continues with her speech that she gives every year about what honor is to be here and how we are all great and brave and she hopes next Victor is again from 7. The she moves on to the actual reaping and the tension is almost visibly vibrating in the air.

"Ladies first," she says with a big smile and reaches into the ball and fumbles her finger until she grabs a name and I am selfish, hoping that it's not me, and that it can't be me, because I am too young and too raw and if I go, I'll die.

"Hardee Fairbairn," she says and I breathe out in piece.

A small girl from the thirteen-year-olds comes forward. She is blonde, beautiful with light eyes and she walks stiffly towards the podium.

There's a screech and a scream and someone's crying over Hardee – I turn and see her little sister on the outside, she must be about Reni's age. My heart falls all the way down to my stomach.

"Are there any volunteers to take Hardee's place" Katri turns to the crowd, but no one raises their hand and everyone just moves uncomfortably as Peacemakers need to escort her family to the Justice Building as both her sister and now her mother – are breaking down.

"And for the boys..." Katri sticks her hand in the boys' bowl and takes out a name. "Cole Mason."

_To be continued..._

_**P.S.** I am sorry this one is so much narration and inner monologue, I promise the next one to be better. I still hope you enjoyed it though. Please favorire, follow, review._


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